Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Sharks





While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" 

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" 

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. 

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" 

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. 

"The sharks got 'em." 

Soldiers



At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. 

"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed. 

"What painter?" 

"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'." 

"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!" 

"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!" 

Monday, December 30, 2013

The real life anchorman



must watch

Cowboy vs Indian



The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. 

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" 

"Sam," the cowboy moaned. 

"Where ya from, Sam?" 

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony." 

Not always a bitch



"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."

"My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD."

"I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once... Doctor...every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."

"My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... Alright...you're ugly too!"

"I was so ugly...my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Clausboys



The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

Divorce


An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Christmas





Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. 

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. 

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" 

Answer... "They're Carol's."

Funny skiing

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.

Extra medium



I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

Monday, December 16, 2013

Clearance



There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN" 

Reasons to allow drinking at work



The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

Lawyers


Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Drinking





Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

Overcrowded Church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

Apple maps


I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. 

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. 

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. 

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. 

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. 

Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? 

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. 

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? 

Bottle



What's another word for thesaurus? 

What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit? 

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? 

How can there be self-help "groups"? 

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? 

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? 

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure? 

Is there another word for synonym? 

I wonder




Why is there an expiry date on my sour cream container? 

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? 

Why do we send cargo by ship, and shipments by car? 

Why call it a building if it's already been built? 

Why do kamikazee pilots wear helmets? 

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? 

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 

Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet? 

If the front of your car says 'DODGE', do you really need a horn? 

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? 

Invisibility

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.

I cant find the cause of your pain

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

Doctor examine me, argument

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.